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Welcome to Dreamscape Fables! DSF is a community for writers of all skill levels to post their work for critique and helpful hints. We're open to short and long narratives, fanfictions, poetry, and roleplaying; people can also be found hanging out in the various chat boards.


Well, I think that's it. We're done. Thanks so much to everyone who posted here, but I think DSF has lived out it's life. We were never that popular and as much as I would have liked to see us get a whole bunch of members and everything, that's what FictionPress and Fanfiction.net are for, right? Anyway, thanks again and goodbye. I'll still check back here every now and again but I'm closing joining. If you really need me and don't know where else to find me (destinydarkness.deviantart.com, amaravati.smackjeeves.com, angelwings.smackjeeves.com...hint hint xD) leave a message in the C-box and I'll get back to you when I check it.... which may not be until months later.
Goodbye DSF. Maybe one day we'll return to ressurect you a second time.
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 AuthorTopic: Ice and Shadows (Read 99 times)
Black Starlight
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 Re: Ice and Shadows
« Result #1 on Sept 11, 2009, 1:55pm »

I don't like to double post, but it looks like I have no choice here. Ahh well...
Anywho... this is a short one, but the next chunk picks up right from the end of this one and it covers the rest of the chapter, if I remember my own switches well enough so that should make up for it, right? =D And guess what - next chapter we meet the bad guys! Fun, yes? lol
Enjoy!

“It just vanished. Just like that.” Kat was skeptical as she chewed her bright pink bubblegum in the cafeteria, popping it obnoxiously every few minutes. “Are you sure you didn’t dream it, Ems?”
“I didn’t dream it, ok? Maybe he used glamour on me, or maybe the door vanishes after a fae uses it. I dunno. What I do know is that he’s still got my book.”
“Maybe you should go after him again,” Chelsea suggested. “You know, hunt him down and make him give you the book back.”
Emma sighed. How could they have forgotten so quickly the effect he had on them all? He was far too strong for any of them to force him to do anything.
Kat started to blow a bubble again and Chelsea popped it with her finger. “That’s gross,” she grimaced.
Kat grinned and stuck out her tongue, luckily sans gum. “You’re just jealous ‘cause you can’t blow gum bubbles.”
“And pigs fly,” Chelsea scoffed.
“They do,” Alana surprised them all by chiming in suddenly, tilting her head sideways with wide eyes. “In Tibet. I read about it in True Insider.”
“See?” Kat grinned. “The gossip magazine proves me right. You’re jealous.”

The bell rang just as the argument was going to reach a new level of annoying. Emma stood up with a relieved sigh and left Kat and Chelsea to squabble as they turned to walk in the other direction. Their classes were nearby, but luckily separate.
“So… what are you gonna do?” Alana asked softly as she and Emma made their way toward their English class.
“About the book or those two?”
“Umm… both, but mostly… the book.”
Emma shrugged. “I dunno. I guess I’ll just have to try looking for that shop again.”
“But you said it vanished.”
“Maybe it’ll come back.”

They sat down in class, Alana in the corner, Emma one row up against the wall, all as usual. They got their books out like they always did, and Emma turned around to chat. They were completely oblivious when their teacher entered and kept talking until he started writing on the board.
“Why does he always appear like that…?” Alana whispered. “Is he a vampire or something? Does he come in the door as a bat so no one notices?”
Emma giggled. “I think we’d notice a bat flying in here.”

“Today we’ll be studying the three witches of Macbeth, so open your books to page….” His dull monotone blurred into the background and Emma began to doodle in the margin of a lined page. A circle became a Faerie Ring, and a series of lines became Celtic knots. She smiled dreamily and kept doodling… until a simple eye morphed into a more familiar one, burning with the intensity of a hundred years and flashing arrogantly from the white canvas of her page. She frowned and flipped the page.
“Ahh, at last,” Emma looked up to see Mr Mercer smiling at someone standing at the back of the class. She turned to look. Not one somebody but two stood at the door, awkwardly looking around as only new students can. “You must be Alexander and Adaeze. Please, sit. There are two seats for you there, by Emma.”
Knowing how hard it was to fit into a class on your first day, Emma smiled warmly at the pair as they settled in front of and beside her.
“Hey,” she whispered. “So you’re the new kids, huh?”
Alexander nodded and grinned back. “Name’s Alex,” he whispered back. “And if you call me Alexander I’ll never speak to you again.”
“Fine, as long as you never call me Emmaline.”
“It’s a deal. So… what are we doing exactly?”
Emma noticed Adaeze leaning back to listen and turned slightly to include her. The pair couldn’t be siblings, she realized. Alex was fair, with short, straight, light blond hair and pale blue-grey eyes; Adaeze was African-American, with dark brown eyes and long black (or was it dark brown?) hair that, although frizzy, was managed well enough in a tight horsetail.
“Macbeth,” she explained. “Did you read it at your old school?”
Adaeze shook her head gently, brushing a few stray black strands from her cheek. “No… and yes,” she murmured. “We were home-schooled.”
“I’ll help you as we go then,” Emma settled back in her seat. “For now… daydream or something. He never explains anything until he announces the assignment.”

____________________


Rikiya’s black hair was matted, his hazel eyes dull. How long had he been there, locked away in that spartan white room? He couldn’t tell anymore. Every time he tried to focus on a time, a day, even what month it was, he blacked out and woke to find that there was a large gap in his memory that often spanned several days. Various doctors said he was shutting the world out, trying to forget. Trying to forget what, genius? They also had several theories of multiple personalities and various mental diseases that seemed to get worse from shrink to shrink.
“Bull….” he muttered, shifting as well as he could while still bound in that repulsive strait-jacket. There was nothing wrong with him mentally, he was sure. Had been sure. Was sure once…. But now? He didn’t know. These sudden jumps in time had him twitchier than his aunt’s cat and twice as paranoid. When would he slip again? When would he wake up and not be a kid anymore? When would he wake up and be a senile old man? He shivered and a little sobbing noise wrenched the back of his throat. He bit his lip and closed his eyes against the pain, then snapped them open again, afraid of what he might find. If he stayed awake, kept his eyes open, he wouldn’t be able to slip. If he barely blinked, he would always be able to see the world, or at least the room, and he would never slip again.
“Riki?” It was Annie, coming in as she always did, with the same cheerful expression at the same time of day. He didn’t look at her, preferring to stare down at the white blanket at his feet. “How are you, sweetie?”
“Sweetie?” He barked a rough laugh and glared coldly at her. “Who are you kidding? You don’t care about me. None of you do.”
She looked at him sadly and sat down on the edge of the low cot. He stayed where he was, wedged into the corner with his knees bent in order to take up as little space as possible. “That’s not true,” she murmured. “We all care about you very much. We just want you to get better, but we need you to help us with that. Can you do that for us, Riki?”
He looked up and in his dark-rimmed eyes she saw a deep longing, but also a haunted bitterness. No one knew what he was hiding from, but something had happened, that was certain. She reached out to him with one manicured hand and he pushed himself back up against the wall as if to escape through it’s solid mass. Annie sighed and retracted her hand. “I know you’re still in there, Riki,” she murmured sadly. “Somewhere behind all the pain, all the chaos.” She stood up and turned back to the door. “You’re due for another talk with Dr Hanson after lunch,” she said as she left. There was a certain brightness behind the fog in his eyes now, and she smiled cheerfully again. “You’ll do fine.”
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Result 2 of 10:
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 AuthorTopic: Ice and Shadows (Read 99 times)
Black Starlight
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 Re: Ice and Shadows
« Result #2 on Aug 12, 2009, 3:19pm »

I don't know why I didn't think to post this with 'quick reply' last night.... would have made things a lot easier xD
Anyway, here's the beginning of chapter 2 =3
After this we see more of Rikiya, whose story is really blossoming in my mind right now ^^
*sigh* I feel so bad for that kid...xD


Two figures snuck through the caverns with the stealth of thieves and the terror of hunted criminals. The dark Underground was a decent mask for their escape, but each time they reached a pool of sludge or mud, Laila would order her companion to cover herself with the simmering ooze.
“Come on, in you go.”
“But Laila…” the mud-caked dragonet whined and lowered her head onto large forepaws. Aikya was already the size of a large greyhound but still a child by immortal standards, still able to pull the infamous ‘puppy dog eyes’ trick.
The drow elf wasn’t convinced. “Aikya,” she murmured firmly. “Do it. I know it’s gross, but you’re far too bright to go without.”
Aikya sighed and rose to her claws once more. Shaking off the loose chunks of old mud, she dipped into the mud pool and covered her golden hide with brown filth.
“There now,” Laila murmured as she rose from the depths like some kind of underworld reptile. “You look just like a bogbeast.”
Aikya didn’t say anything, preferring to sulk with her head low.

The pair fled Laila’s family, a vicious drow clan who had come into possession of Aikya’s egg by treacherous and vile means. Her uncle had never said how he parted a queen dragon from her precious egg, but she knew from the gleam in his red eyes that he had achieved his goal the way he liked best: Through slaughter.
Laila knew they were pursued, but so far they had managed to stay just far enough ahead of her family’s agents. However, they would never be safe until they reached the surface, a place where no drow could safely go. Laila would take Aikya to someone who could keep her safe, a long time friend, and then descend back into the Underground to seek shelter away from her family. As they walked, the drow pondered the sudden return of her friend to the upper world. She would have thought him dead if she hadn’t known of his plans. Several centuries ago he had sealed himself away from man and Sidhe alike, and she didn’t blame him; he had been passed around like a trinket in Faerie and then betrayed on Earth, leading to an inevitable emotional breakdown that had in turn lead to much mortal tragedy. But now Aramir had come back to the world of the living. Why? Laila could feel his presence as sharply as she ever had in the past, leading her to his exact location, and it didn’t make any sense. Not only had he come back, but he was on Earth, in the modern resurrection of the city his anger had leveled in the Dark Ages. She shrugged, pushing aside her reverie. Whatever his reasons, he was back and that meant he was her only hope for the safety of her little dragon pup.
“Laila?” Aikya blinked up at the drow, pushing her muddy shoulder against Laila’s armored thigh. “Where are we going?”
Laila smiled. “Home,” she replied. “A friend of mine is going to take care of you so you never have to be trapped down here again.”
Aikya frowned. “But what about you? I want you to come too…”
The drow sighed. “I know, kiddo. But I can’t. The surface is too bright for me.”
Aikya pushed herself closer against Laila and the two continued on in silence, drawing comfort from their closeness in their last hours together.

___________________________

On the surface, Emma watched a familiar face from behind a pair of dark sunglasses and a neutral green hoodie. She didn’t know if he could sense her (Probably can… stupid Faerie…) but she was taking no chances. After Aramir’s stunning departure the girls had scrambled to clean the house before Emma’s parents could discover the mess of wax and salt only to discover that he had taken the book with him. If she could have had no more contact with the prince she would have, but that book had cost her quite a bit, especially for something found second-hand, and she wanted it back.
Yeah… she thought. That’s all I want. Just the book. But was it really? She hadn’t spent a moment since meeting him without those sharp golden eyes caught in her mind’s eye, without the whisper of his voice drifting unheard through the air around her. It was just Faerie glamour, she told herself. But still…. He had taken command of her soul in minutes and it was all she could do not to run to him and demand he release her. For she found that, even as he crept into her heart, she hated him. Hated him for what he had done and for what he had stolen.
As she watched, sneaking along behind him like a burglar in the night, he stopped, glanced around warily, and stepped into a small, rundown looking shop. She trotted down the sidewalk, intent on following him even into the shop…. but couldn’t find it. Where had he entered? There was no rundown old shop here…? But she had seen him go in?

Aramir watched from the other side of the street as Emma looked around, confused. She darted into an alley to look for a door, then scampered back out in search of a camouflaged door on the outside. Silly human. She hadn’t even considered Faerie glamour yet, nor his ability to warp to wherever he chose at a moment’s notice.
Turning back into the dusty shop with a derisive shake of his head, he spotted his contact immediately.
“Aurius.” Aramir moved into the shadows at the back of the store where the old man sat in an old-fashioned suit reading a tattered novel. “I need your help, wizard.”
Aurius looked up, staring hard at Aramir from behind gold-rimmed spectacles. His mustache, as white as his immaculately groomed hair and beard, twitched as his lips bent up into a wry smile.
“Well, well, well,” The wizard said. “The prince returns at last. What can I do for you, lad?”
Aramir raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms across his chest. “You haven’t changed at all.”
“Course not,” Aurius scoffed. “I’m an old man. We aren’t liquid time like you damn Faeries. I say it again: What do you want?”
“I sense someone calling me, but I can’t place the voice. I need you to trace the call.”
“It would be something like that…” Aurius grumbled. “Well alright then.” He waved a hand and the shop closed itself as if it’s owner was on his lunch break. “Let’s get this over with.”

They went into the back room, where Aurius kept his books of magic and various arcane tools. For this he would use the crystal ball, kept immaculately clean even as the rest of his possessions sat under a layer of dust.
“You know the drill,” Aurius grunted as they sat on opposite sides of the pedestal. “Close your eyes and imagine it and I’ll do the rest.”

The call wound it’s way through his mind, a sinuous, dark tune that echoed through the souls of the two mystical beings and the crystal through which they channeled their magic. When it had built up enough power to resonate in the depths of the sphere, Aurius listened, then smiled. “We have company,” he commented. “It’s no wonder you could hear her so clearly; she’s been coming for days, by the sound of it.”
Aramir frowned. “Speak clearly, old man.”
“I don’t care how much royal blood you’ve got, you be respectful of your elders,” Aurius snapped back. He composed himself. “She’s coming up in the basement. I suggest you go meet her.”
Aramir grimaced but stood anyway and pushed through the steel door at the back of the room to descend into the basement, which was a tunnel into the Underground, the dark world ruled by the drow and their wars.
He glanced around in the darkness, seeing nothing and waiting for his magical sight to kick in. Below ground, there was no way to see without magic. A shadow shimmered in the distance, with a bright glow beside it. The glow was muted, as if hiding from the darkness, but there was no concealing it from his eyes. He was sensitive to the light, and this creature was as bright as could be with his magical vision.
As the pair drifted into clarity, Aramir started and smiled. How could he have forgotten the call of his best friend?
“Laila,” he called through the darkness. “You called?”
“Aramir!” Her voice was full of relief. “I’m so glad to see you.” The drow darted through the shadows to greet him with a fond embrace; she was the only one in Faerie or Earth he would allow to do so. “Why did you come out of the Abyss?” she asked, still clinging to his neck as if he would disappear when she let go. “The last I heard you destroyed a city and vanished…”
He chuckled and disentangled himself from her arms. “Yes,” he replied. “That’s true. I was… revived… not so long ago. But enough of that. I sense fear in you. What happened?”
She sighed and looked away, down toward what Aramir could now see was a muddy dragon pup at her feet. The poor creature had collapsed at her side and was panting on her side on the cold stone, exhausted from their flight. “My uncle captured her from her mother as an egg. I don’t know why he wanted her, but I knew I had to get her away before he used her for… whatever he wanted to do. And when I felt your presence on the surface again… You have to help her.” Laila’s crimson eyes begged her longtime friend to agree as she looked up at him and his stony heart melted a little. For Laila, one of very few beings ever to see him as more than simply the prince or an instrument of war, he would do almost anything.
“I will do what I can,” he murmured. “What is her name?”
“Aikya. Thank you, Aramir. You don’t know how much this means to me.”

“A dragon!” Aurius had followed Aramir down into the Underground and now stared at Aikya with wide eyes through his gold-rimmed glasses. “Great Goddess, she’s…!” the wizard glanced up at the staring pair before him and gestured firmly with one hand. Come upstairs now, both of you. It’s not safe down here anymore.”
Laila instantly reached down to coax Aikya off the stone and led her up the stairs, followed by Aramir.
“What’s going on, Aurius?” Aramir asked sharply as they ascended. “Why the sudden haste?”
“The Ring is active again,” the wizard replied. “And that dragon is one of the High King’s chosen spirits.”
“The Ring?” Aramir was incredulous. “It can’t be. They died off centuries ago.”
“Not true. They are still very much alive, my boy, and they hunt for the blood of the Chosen.” They entered the magical back room and Laila closed her eyes painfully against the light, very bright through her dark-tuned eyes. Aramir guided her to a chair, where Aikya rested her golden, muddy head on Laila’s knee.
“As far as I am aware, there are four Chosen, and three of them have only recently come into contact with their power.”
“And the fourth?” Laila asked.
“He stands here with us in this room,” Aurius turned a steely gaze on Aramir, who froze for an instant then rolled his eyes.
“Of course,” the prince scoffed. “I am one of the Chosen and over the course of my many centuries, none of the mages surrounding me ever sensed it. I’m sure you’re right, old man.” The sarcasm in his voice didn’t go unnoticed and Aurius grimaced as Laila tried to conceal a laugh behind a false-sounding cough.
“You have been the target of assassination attempts, have you not?” Aurius snapped. “And your life riddled with tragedy? Have you not seen the Mark on your neck? I should have thought the thing obvious.”
Though skeptical, Aramir felt his confidence slipping and he put a pale hand slowly to the left side of his neck, where a strange prickling had begun to annoy him.
“Yes, that’s it,” Aurius smiled smugly. “It’s glowing even now. And look, hers shines to match it’s brother.”
Indeed, when Aramir looked down at Aikya, a golden shimmer pierced the mud on her forehead, twisted into a sinuous mark like an alchemist’s arcane symbol. The dragonet raised her lizard-like head and made a curious little chirping sound.
“Laila,” she murmured plaintively, “Why does my head itch?”
“Because you’re tired,” the drow replied absently, stroking her charge and beginning to chip off bits of dried mud. “Go to sleep and all will be well when you wake up.”
“What does this mean?” Aramir directed his question to Aurius.
The wizard paused before answering. “For you? I don’t know. I had thought to see you killed long ago, but somehow you have survived. The Chosen die regularly – if they don’t, they are too easily tracked by the Ring. The High King and Queen created them this way to protect their power. Perhaps when you hid in the Abyss it was counted as a death; perhaps you are destined to die soon. Are you afraid?”
“I fear nothing,” Aramir replied coldly.
“Good. Because I’m going to hide you myself to protect you.”
The prince snorted derisively. “How will you do that, old man?”
Aurius smiled smugly. “You’ll just have to wait and see,” he said. “Laila, you and the pup must be hidden as well. Come now, all of you. I must to set a Circle to do this right.”
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 AuthorTopic: Mountain Mustangs *Chapter One* (Read 14 times)
Black Starlight
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 Re: Mountain Mustangs *Chapter One*
« Result #3 on Aug 3, 2009, 11:04am »

First off, welcome to DSF, Shineon =D

I'm looking forward to seeing where this story goes - It's hard to keep each character unique and individual but it looks like you're doing a fine job with that. Like Bee said, there are a few gramatical and spelling errors that could use a little polishing, but overall this chapter gives me a good vibe. =3


Welcome again - I know we'll get along just fine ;D
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 AuthorTopic: Mountain Mustangs *Chapter One* (Read 14 times)
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 Re: Mountain Mustangs *Chapter One*
« Result #4 on Aug 3, 2009, 9:36am »

=) I do love a good horse story!

Over looking a couple grammatical/spelling errors, it is really quite a good start.
You gave away a lot of good description and information, but still managed to leave the reader wondering how this is all going to work out.

I look forward to reading more of your work, and watching you improve. =]
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 Mountain Mustangs *Chapter One*
« Result #5 on Aug 1, 2009, 1:46pm »

Chapter 1
Jason Ledford

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The morning was cool and the green mountain grass damp. Dew covered everything from the wildflowers to the gate of the facility. Inside the boys were waking and the warden's were working them, but four were getting a second chance.
Jason Ledford and three other boys from the corrections facility waited outside the head warden's office. He wasn't sure who they were but he thought the tall, black sixteen year old was, Diangelo, the one that had been arrested for assaulting his gym teacher, and the short, jittery, blonde haired thirteen year old was Peter or Spaz, as he was know, he was here for armed robbery and car theft. The third would have to be Cameron then, the tall dark haired seventeen year old that had ran a pregnet woman off the road, resulting in the death of her unborn baby, it had been an accident, but the courts still found him guilty of Neglectful driving resullting in Vehicular Manslaughter.
Jason himself was averge hieght, dark haired and fifteen, He had gotten arrested for possetion of drugs, they weren't his, but he'd refused to rat out his friend that had asked him to hide the drugs.
Now the four of them were all waiting to be sent to Miracles in the Mountains, a mustang rescue that also took on troubled teens.

Twenty minutes later the Head Warden came out, he was a tall man, well into his forties with a black handlebar mustache and a rounded belly. He stopped infront of the boys, "You boys are very lucky, you are getting a chance to get out of this place. I suggest you listen, and listen well to Ms. Mercy, she's the only thing keeping you out, your parents have released custody to her, you will work. You will Learn to Ranch, Learn to ride and Learn to care. If you blow it, you'll be right back here in a nice little cell., so my suggestion is...don't blow it."
"Great suggestion Sir." Jason muttered.
"Boy, your gonna land yourself back here before you even leave." He warned.
"Sorry Sir." Jason replied.
"Now you boys go pick up your stuff from Warden Jimes, Ms. Mercy will be here shortly."
He left and the boys got up and headed to the office.

Melissa Mercy parked her truck. She was a tall woman, strong from ranch work, she had long blonde hair and gray eyes, she was only twenty-two, her mother techonlly owned and ran Miracle in the Mountains but Melissa did most the work and now she was here to pick up the four boys, she shut off the truck and got out and headed for the Head Warden's office. She could hardly believe she was taking four juvinile delinquents back with her at one time, as well as an abused horse that she still had to pick up. As she walked into the office so did four boys, she paused to look them over. Of the two tallest boys, one looked as if he were simply enduring his time and the other seemed to be enjoying it, scars and bruises dotted him that suggested he faught more then the others. The little one was jumpy, not good when working with horses, but the horses usually drew them out. Her eyes finally swept over the last boy, he didn't look like he belonged in this group, he looked like he should be in school, with his family, not here, not going to the ranch, but she could not make the judgement so she kept walking heading to Head Warden Spiel's office.

"That must be the owner of the ranch they're shippin' us too." Jason said, relaxing against the wall. "Man this is Dope, I don't wanna go to no damn ranch and do farm work for no cowgirl." Deangelo complained. "Man...Man...y-y-you ever been c-c-close to a h-h-horse? Heard the b-b-bitches were big and would s-s-stomp people." Spaz stuttered out. Cam laid his hand on Spaz's shoulder, "Chill Spaz..you're stutterin' like an idiot. You listen to the woman and you won't get stomped."
Deangelo gave his sadistic, catish grin, "Cam's goin' soft Man, tellin' the Spaz to listen for his safety...dat's dope fool, she don't give a shit 'bout us, she proboly gonna let the Spaz become a pancake."

"That's where you are wrong Mr. Coleman." Came Melissa's voice from behind them making Deangelo spin around. "I value all my workers and need them all on a ranch, Peter will learn to handle the horses properly, as will all of you, because I don't want you getting hurt. Now grab your bags and let's move, We've got a horse to pick up." She walked off leaving the boys to gather thier bags and follow, gaurds following them.
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 AuthorTopic: Ice and Shadows (Read 99 times)
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 Re: Ice and Shadows
« Result #6 on Jul 23, 2009, 10:07am »

you know, it's kind of cruel writing a story like this in bits... XD I'm going to go insane wondering about it.

Seriously though, you should send this to someone, it is really really good Blackie. Like, really good.
I'm still wondering how you're going to tie all these characters and their individual plots together...
Should be interesting. ;P

Post more soon, I'm hooked =o
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 AuthorTopic: Growing Darkness (GRAFIC!) (Read 16 times)
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 Re: Growing Darkness (GRAFIC!)
« Result #7 on Jul 22, 2009, 5:17pm »

This is a good start and I'm interested in what's going to happen. You've got a good 'hook' in place, good work =3

However, I do have a few minor things to point out.
The first one is the name. 'Bella Swan' instantly projects an image of Twilight, which in turn can reflect on your other characters. I couldn't help picturing Edward when you mentioned Abednego, simply because I was already picturing the main character as Twilight's Bella. This gives the story a distinctive fanfiction undertone that takes away from your vision. It's ok to take bits and pieces of names from stories you like (for example, if you had called her Bella McTavish or Anne Swan, etc) but to use the entire name can be a deterrant, particularily if the original character to bear the name has a level of fame.

The second relates to the first: since you didn't describe much more than what Bella was wearing every so often, it's hard to imagine an original face. If you want your audience to picture someone other than Kristen Stewart, I would suggest tossing in some little bits of her appearance when you can. For example, if you're writing her into a warm sunny meadow, and she has blond hair, you might toss in a casual "....she pushed a wayward golden strand away from her face as she walked....." and then continue on with whatever else you want to mention in that scene.

The last things I'd like to bring up are the pacing and your use of language. In places the grammar and spelling of this story could be touched up, but I can't see anything crippling. With a little polishing this story will be just fine. =) The pacing could use a little polish too; as Bee-chan mentioned, it's a little hard to believe that over the course of two years she'd have absolutely nothing happen worth mention. Even if you glaze over those two years a bit (maybe with talk of diet preferences, emotional state, memories, etc) you should still be able to put a little bit of detail into them.


Overall this was a good start and I'd very much like to read more. This Abednego character is compelling - I want to know why he said he was waiting for her and also what she's going to do about her kids, assuming she does anything at all.
Good work and keep it up! =D
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GrowingDarkness
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 Re: A couple short Stories
« Result #8 on Jul 22, 2009, 3:07pm »

thanks, they where both writen for school
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FuzyBee
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 Re: A couple short Stories
« Result #9 on Jul 22, 2009, 12:11pm »

Watch your spelling/grammar a bit, but I liked them both =D

Personally, I think "Run Away" is better, it had more of a ''___/\_'' plot.
I really enjoyed that one =D

Nice work, Darkie!
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 A couple short Stories
« Result #10 on Jul 21, 2009, 9:39pm »

Ok i hope i have this in the right place, but i didn't see any where esle to post my short stories, so here they are. There will be NO more added to these, they are done. finished. so please don't ask if their will be more. Enjoy


Jenny

She stood on the rock, her hair, the color of gold, being whipped around her tanned face by the wind as her gray eyes watched an eagle flying low in the sky. How she wished she could spread her wings and fly away from this place. She looked back over her shoulder when she heard her mom calling her and with one more look at the eagle, she turned and walked back to her house.

When she reached the house she found her dad working on one of the horses’ harness and sat down be side him to watch. “See anything interesting?” he asked without looking up.

“Yes, there was an eagle flying low in the sky.” Jenny said softly, and then she mumbled, “How I wish I could follow him.”

Her dad looked up at her; he knew she hated it here but there was nothing he could do. That night at supper Jenny picked at her food.

“Why aren’t you eating?” her mother asked.

“I’m just not hungry. May I be excused?”

Her mom nodded and said, “Yes you may. Where are you going?”

Jenny stood up and said, “I’m going to take Starlight for a ride.”

Her mom nodded again then went back to eating.

Jenny turned and walked out to Starlight’s pen, “Hey girl, do you want to go for a ride?” Starlight snorted then stuck her nose into the halter Jenny had in her hand. Jenny smiled as she slipped it over her ears. “Come on girl.” She said as she tied Starlight up, groomed her tell her golden coat shone like gold and then tacked her up.

Twenty minutes later, Jenny rode slowly down a trail as the sun went down, watching all that went on around her. Starlight spooked when a deer jumped out of the woods but walked on quietly when it was gone. “You silly horse,” Jenny said as she reached forward and gave Starlight a pat. “Are you scared of deer now, too?” Then she leaned forward and nudged Starlight. Starlight broke into a long flowing canter that made Jenny feel like she was floating on a cloud. Jenny slowed Starlight down after a couple for minutes and turned her back toward home. “We had better be getting back, Star,” She said.

When they had reached the house, Jenny rode Starlight up to her pen. She untacked her and fed her, then sat on the fence watching Starlight eat and said softly, “Hey girl, are you happy here?” Jenny smiled when Starlight snorted and she said, “Well at lest one of us is. I just wish Ma and Pa would under stand that I don’t like being away from people like this. I like going to parties and dances even if they don’t. I would be happy even to have a friend way out here but the closest neighbor is six miles as the crow flies and about eight miles if you follow the roads.” Jenny looked out over the trees, then jumped off the fence and gave Starlight a pat.

Jenny turned and headed towards the house. Her dad was sitting at the table reading a letter while her mom sat in front of the fire knitting. Jenny sat down on the ground next to the fire and pulled her long legs up under her and stared into the fire.

“Hey Jenny, how would you like to go visit your aunt and uncle in Calgary for a couple of weeks?” her dad asked with out looking up.

“Really?!” Jenny asked looking over at him. “I would love to! But would I have to leave Starlight behind?”

Her dad chuckled and said, “How do you think you’re going to get there and back?”

Jenny smiled and said, “So, when am I going?”

Her dad looked up and said, “As soon as I get a reply back from them.”

THE END


Run Away

Jess watched the rain run like little rivers down the window pane, then looked back over her shoulder at her mother and her new friend. A man she hated because of the fake way he was so nice and gentleman like. Her mother was to smitten to see it, but Jess did and she hated him. Jess turned back to the window and watched the rain come down in buckets. Her mother stood up and walked over to her.

“Can you come help me with supper,” she asked putting her hand on Jess’s shoulder.

Jess shrugged her hand off and stood up. “Sure,” she said and started toward the kitchen, her plain calico dress moving around her legs.

Her mom followed and said “you peel the potatoes and I’ll start the meat.”

Jess nodded and grabbed a knife and bowl of potatoes. “What do you see in Frank?” she asked bluntly with out looking up.

Her mother looked at her and said, “Well he’s sweet, caring and he loves me.” She looked back at the meat.

Jess snorted and said, “You think he’s sweet and caring.” Then she stood up and said. “the potatoes are done. So unless you need me to do something else I’ll be in my room.” As she turned and walked out of the kitchen and up to her room.

Her mother watched her go then went back to the meat. Jess reached her room and closed her door behind her and looked around. Her room was boring and plain, but it was her place to escape, because no one but her came in here. She made sure that her door was locked then walked to the trunk at the end of her bed and pulled out a small box of letters. They where from an old friend of her’s that was inviting her to come spend some time with them. Her mother didn’t know she was getting them and she didn’t plan on telling her she was going, she was just going to leave during the night.

She opened the door when her mother called her and walked down stairs slowly, not wanting to see her mother goggling at Frank. Supper was on the table when she got there and her mother was sitting, in her opinion, to close to Frank. Jess sat down at the table as far from Frank and her mother as she could with out leaving the room and looked out the window. The rain was still coming down in buckets so she would have to postpone her trip to her friends.

Her mother looked over at her and said, “Would you like to pray today?”

Jess nodded and bowed her head then sneaked a look at Frank and saw the he had bowed his head, but his eyes where open. Jess said the prayer then looked up and started taking some food and eating. Her mother watched her for a minute then started eating.

Jess ate as fast as she could then asked, “Can I be excused?”

Her mother nodded and said, “Yes you may.”

Jess turned and ran up to her room and grabbed an old bag out from under her bed and started stuffing it with clothes, she would get some food tonight when Frank was gone and her mother was asleep. She finished packing and stuffed the bag under her bed and started gathering up any thing that was special in her plain room. A locket from her father that she wasn’t aloud to ware, a couple of book that her few friends gave her as gifts and a small gem she never told any one about, the few things that had never been given by or touched by her mother or Frank.

That night she lay in bed waiting tell Frank left and her mother went to bed, thinking about how she would do this. A couple minute later she heard the front door close and the light step of her mother coming up the steps and walking to her room. Jess lay with her eyes closed, pretending to sleep in case her mother checked on her. Jess waited a few minutes to make sure her mother was asleep then she quietly got out of bed and walked to the door. She quietly opened it and listened for any noise, hearing none she slipped down the stairs and into the kitchen. The first place she visited was the pantry, she grabbed a chunk of cheese and some bread, then she slipped over to the ice box and pulled out some left over beef and chicken then as quietly as she could went back up to her room.

Jess put the food into her bag then grabbed a blanket and pillow from her bed. The rain had stopped so she could leave tonight. She left her bag by the window and walked quietly out of her room and down to her mother’s room and looked in. her mother was asleep with a peaceful look on her face. Jess left before she lost the courage to leave and walked back to her room. She put on her warmest clothes and coat then walked over to her window and opened it. Her bag and blanket went first then she followed sliding down the slopped roof tell she came to the edge where she lowered her self to the ground. She looked up at her mother’s window and blew her a kiss before picking up her stuff and running to the stable where her horse waited.

Jess quickly saddled Jet up and tied her bag and blanket behind the saddle before leading her out of the stable and mounting. She had to get as far away as she could before her mom woke up at six and saw the note she had left on her bed. Jess turned Jet in the direction of her friend’s place and nudged her into a walk down the street, not wanting to wake people up with the sound of a galloping horse. When they where out of town Jess leaned forward and nudged Jet sending her into a fast gallop down the road. She rode as fast as she could for as long as she could before slowing Jet down. Jess rode late into the night then found a small, hidden clearing where she stayed the night.

She was up with the sun the next day and had a quick meal then was in the saddle again galloping down the road. It was a three day ride to her friend’s place, but she was going to do it in two and a half. She stopped at noon by a small stream to water and feed Jet and herself but was on her way again in less than half an hour. She stopped again late the night but was up again early in the morning. She rode hard tell she saw the town where her friend lived then she slowed Jet down to a walk and cooled her out, knowing that a sweaty, blowing horse would make people wonder a bit to much about who she is and why she was here.

Jess rode up to her friend’s house and dismounted. Mona, her friend, came running out of the house towards her.

“You made it!” She yelled happily as she gave Jess a big hug.

Jess smiled and gave Mona a hug back before saying “I have to put Jet away then we can catch up.”

Mona nodded and said “follow me and I’ll show you the stables.”

Jess nodded and followed leading Jet who was still blowing a bit.

Mona led the way to the huge stable and showed Jess to a stall “You can put her in here.” She said pointing to a big roomy stall.

Jess nodded and said “Thanks,” before leaded Jet into the stall and stripping her tack off. She set her bag and blanket out side the stall then made sure Jet had food and water before grabbing her bag again and heading up to the house.

Mona showed her around the huge house before showing her to her room and saying “You’ll stay in here. It’s not a huge room but it’s nice.”

Jess nodded and said playfully “I’ll just have to manage.” While looking at the room that was twice the size of her old room. Jess smiled at Mona then put her bag down and flopped down on the bed.

Mona turned to leave and said “I’ll call you when supper is ready.”

Jess nodded put she was already mostly asleep.

THE END
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